Category Archives: Friends

Kludgey

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This post was written on Mastodon so it has an informal writing style with jargon and a manner for a specific audience. All the spelling and grammatical errors are intended.

I love creating my own problems and then finding a rabbit hole and chasing it until I have a geek solution that is likely foolish. If I load too many tabs on my Macbook, it gets sluggish. So, can I start xQuartz? Sure! Update however…

Okay, that done, can I SSH with the -X flag to my little Raspberry Pi? Yes! Sluggish. Wah.

How about to my “Security” laptop, running Linux? Yes. Sluggish still.

Google Search, find x2go, install it. MUCH BETTER.

So I’m using x2go, running Firefox-esr and connected to my not-work-tabs, including this one. Not seamless, but it works acceptably well enough.

Sitting here, marveling at all this exceptionally complicated computing technology before me, everything has “multiple cores” yet you really couldn’t tell. So instead of running everything from one single computer, we’ve got serious work stuff on one, then a remote desktop window to another running “fluffy stuff”, and then playing Spotify from my !@#$ iPhone. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Shitty apps, each written by devs that believe that their app is the “King Of The Realm” and you can malloc() forever without having to fret over anything at all. Leaks? Who cares! Look how pretty it is! So, multiple computers, multiple OSes, failures aren’t less, but they are spread out so they don’t block real work quite as badly.

Of course, there is also I/O Blocking to contend with. When the filesystem is doing anything, everything stops. Because I/O is super smexy.

So we contend with shitty development choices by simply throwing entire chunks of technology at the problem. Two laptops, a Raspberry Pi, an iPhone, and an iPad. Each device is good at individual things, but no, we can’t do everything on one single device. Watch that device just chug right to the fucking ground. Ah well. The modern response is “throw a hypervisor on it” and that, wow, what a great way to make an even bigger mess of things.

Bullshit hypervisors make for hilarious blown-out-afternoons. So, Windows 10 on an HP Elitebook laptop, install Hyper-V from the OS, and the Radeon display driver commits hairy suicide. Not only does the driver break, but it cannot be “upgraded” or “fixed”, the only thing you can do, is remove HyperV and… poof, uh, there was a problem? No! No problem! So, you shrug and chuckle and look at the icon for VirtualBox. Yeah, hey buddy…

There are some situations where I start thinking that I should buy a cheap $200 Chromebook just for some things. More technology. SMH. Of course.

Two days ago I remembered the glory-promise of X-Windows and SSH tunnels, with the Display being sent elsewhere. Oh my god, the promise of that… so glittering. So… disappointing.

Oh it works. But it’s like watching slugs have a romantic dinner. Maybe I should just read a book while you request that website, hmmm?

Obviously you turn to Google, the eminent sage and eternal junkie for answers. Ah yes, X-Windows over SSH is a ping/pong nightmare, half the traffic is consumed by just making sure that all the lower layers are functioning properly, constantly. Fine. But then you spot things like x2go, give that a shot, eh… it’s somewhat better.

In the end, the promise bends to tools you already have. Like TeamViewer connected to Windows 10 on a different laptop.

Heh, assuming TeamViewer stays functional that is.

Technology is bittersweet. We have such command of so many wonders. I can’t shake the feeling that it’s all an immense house-of-cards. I suppose I’ve seen too much, I know too much, “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe” kind of running through my head. Like looking at Layer 1 connections secured by… chewed bubble gum.

And all the various cheats and hacks, because you naturally want something, but you can’t get it because the people who provide the thing, won’t provide the tools for the extra things you want. They aren’t going to write the code, their codebase is secret, you can’t submit code yourself, and so you just sit there, google searching and finding kludgy-as-fuck solutions to your headaches.

Yeah, that’s fine, be a prat. I’ve got a python script that scrapes your shit and does what I wanted to do.

Case in point, Signal. I love Signal. I will always love Signal. But I want to search on metadata within the Signal app. No. Like the soup nazi, no metadata for you! Only search on stuff in primary stream. Fuuuuuuuu.

So I have a group chat, it’s all my friends, in Signal, and we use it as a blazing-bright thread, it connects us all, geographically spread throughout the United States. It made the COVID-19 Pandemic less lonely. It was a community of dear friends and we could be together without risk.

So, I journal, have an app for that, but obviously Signal doesn’t work with the journal app, so I can’t just hoover all the Signal content into the journaling software. Sometimes I forget to review everything we said in Signal, so the date-of-chat just slides off primary display. You could scroll, but wouldn’t it be nice to search on metadata? Like take me to the first thing shared on Sep 01, 2021? That would be nifty! NO. NO SOUP FOR YOU.

So, no metadata searching. Fine. So, enter the raw kludgy “fuck it, this is also a solution, damn you all” solution. Can’t search on metadata, but just on raw data, so, lets add the data markers we want to the stream! At 6am, write the date into the stream, every day. Then you can use the tools in the app to search on what was shared, and since the metadata you want is “shared”, now you can search on it! Well, okay! “Sep 01, 2021” look! YAY! That’s what I wanted!

Obviously this creates a “Forking House Of Mirrors”… one bullshit kludgy solution leads to a new problem. I don’t want to wake up at 6am to put the date into Signal stream. OK. Lets automate that. Enter Signal-CLI. shakes head fine. So, lets try to connect to the service, that was a hard climb. Okay, now it’s as group, what groups are there? No groups. What? No. Send something to someone, then ask again. Okay. <<send>> how about now? OH YES, THIS GROUP!? You need a special hex code for this.

If you have this hex code, you’d think you could use that without having to ask going forward. No. New install? You can’t just simply use what you know to peek around the corner, no. You need to run around Robin Hoods Barn all over again, and now you can use it! HUZZAH. FUUUUUUUUUUU.

So, finally, we can send signal data from the CLI. Next, lets figure out the date commands picky-picky formatting rules. How to get Sep 01, 2021?

We’ve got that! YAY! Okay, so lets write a Bash script! Get the date, and at 6am write it out to the Signal group. Write script, change mode on script so it can execute, plumb the foggy memories you have of crontab, and boom. Failure.

FUUUUUUUUUUU

Ah yes, cardinal sin, I didn’t explicitly declare the specific paths to signal-cli, echo, mv, fuck, any command at all. Call the script yourself, works, cron calls? Lost. Fixup. Dive into vim. Find your cheatsheet. Gah.

Finally, good god watch it work. 6am every day, a machine you “rescued from the landfill” with some half-forgotten linux distro you can’t remember is actually working and that’s fine. Now, when it’s Sep 03, 2021, you can search on Sep 01, 2021, to get back and manually journal what you remember telling people, because there it is. Click-drag.

All because metadata isn’t searchable. I got what I wanted. Everyone can benefit from it too. But it is complete mess.

This is why entire afternoons are incinerated on the pyre of “Fuck, I wanted XYZ, but the devs don’t speak English, their angel investors aren’t interested, and nobody but me would ever want this feature… so… fuuuuuuuuuuu”

I suppose I could attempt to ask for whatever it is I think would be good, but devs live on the moon, or as much as would be useful, they do. So no. We don’t tell devs anything. We just muck about, finding fragments on GitHub, trying not to get sick that Microsoft owns them now.

So you find gists, you find forked projects, you find python code fragments. The dependencies aren’t circular-misadventures-into-the-fog, you try to remember basic linux stuff because you haven’t had to screw around with any of it for decades and crontab went off to the same Elysium Fields that Trigonometry went off to…

Google Fu. Another worrisome “house of cards” right there too, but lets not look too closely at it, lest it collapse. Or sell our identity to Belorussians.

It doesn’t take much at all. Fragile houses of cards built on other fragile houses of cards. People mobbing on top, like hapless Eloi sitting down at the picnic tables and never having a single bright shiny thought in their pretty little heads because food is always right there, on the table, same time every day. Meanwhile, underneath, the Morlocks are banging on pipes, and every once in a while grabbing an Eloi for a snack.

That’s the Internet. Humanity on top of the Internet. The rot in Layer 8.

And all you really do is shrug. You hope for a better world. Every once in a really long while you stumble blindly over something truly elegant. It’s like tripping over Rivendell and spotting an Elf walking along a curated beautiful path of perfectly carved scrollwork.

And it’s only momentary. The pile of constantly shifting wreckage we call the modern world continues to shudder and throb. It all works, and you marvel that these people manage to continue to live in all of this… wreckage.

Chesapeake Beard Company’s Mercury Beard Balm, 2oz.

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I encountered the Chesapeake Beard Company during a beard competition event at the Old Dog Tavern here in Kalamazoo, Michigan. They had a table set up, and they had an array of products available. Amongst all of their products, the Mercury line appealed the most. I bought both the oil and the balm, but the scents are nearly the same, so I’m only reviewing the balm. The product comes in a glass jar with a plastic lid. The balm is waxy, yellow in color and has the same consistency as the Viking Revolution balms, slightly firmer than Honest Amish and somewhat looser than the Reuzel.

The scent is the strongest of all my balms and oils and the fellow selling the product sold it as a homage to Freddie Mercury, that one of his favored drinks was a kind of Cherry and Rum flavored cocktail. This balm screams black cherry and a light undercurrent of rum running underneath. The fragrance is amazingly strong and has significant staying power. They use fragrance oils instead of other more easily diffused scents like linalool or vanillin. Much like how Honest Amish is an “exploding pumpkin pie,” Mercury by Chesapeake Beard is an exploding cherry pie. The scent is overwhelming and delightful. You likely wouldn’t use this balm if you were attempting a formal dress event where strong fragrances are frowned upon, but if you were in any other situation, this balm would be a home run. If you like cherries or if someone you know prefers cherries, this balm might be the perfect way to condition your beard and have a wonderful experience along for fun. I estimate that the fragrance lasts at least three to four hours long, significantly longer than any other balm, except perhaps the Honest Amish one.

It is worthwhile to note that they have renamed this product to Rhapsody, but they do include the old name, Mercury, on their website.

Reuzel Wood and Spice Beard Balm, 1.3oz

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The Reuzel Wood and Spice Beard Balm is a brand new fragrance from the Reuzel company. They immediately get top-choice amongst my beard products because they were the first ones I had, and they have performed admirably for me. The tin is just like the standard Reuzel, a screw-top aluminum canister with the product within. The Reuzel Wood and Spice Balm, much like its predecessor, suffers from the same unusual crystallization in the wax that the standard Reuzel suffers from. The solution is to warm Reuzel products up to melting and then let them gently cool. This fixes the problem for both the standard Reuzel and this one. The front has the recognizable Dutch pirate and on the back the ingredient list.

The balm itself is stiff, waxy, and quite solid. It scrapes with the back of the thumbnail readily and melts with ease when you work it in your hands. The color is bisque, and the scent is wonderful and subtle. The fragrance is warm with vanilla, wood scents, and spiciness that lends a kind of forest-guide warmth to the user. There are notes of butterscotch as well, which really appeals to me. It is a remarkable departure from the standard Reuzel fragrance, but still quite pleasant to use.

When pairing this balm with oil, either unscented, which would be best, or even the Honest Amish Premium Oil would work as both have notes of woodsy warmth that would compliment each other nicely. I can definitely see this becoming a standard entry in my beard care kit.

Bossman Magic Beard Balm, 2oz.

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Bossman Magic Beard Balm comes in a tin container, two ounces, much like all the other balms that I have reviewed. The product is not tested on animals, made in the United States, Austin, Texas, to be specific, and is made of only natural ingredients. The tin has labels on the obverse and reverse with directions and ingredients clearly written out. The tin itself doesn’t have screw grooves, so it is only secured by friction, this is not a problem when it comes to balms that I have experienced.

The balm is paper white in color and the scent, “Magic” smells clean and soapy, with notes of warmth, exuding cleanliness. The consistency is waxy, and the top lid claims that it will actively relax beard hairs. I’ve found it to be delightful to use, the scent lasts about an hour or so, and it has done well for my uses. This scent would pair best with unscented beard oil, and not a scented one unless it would be paired by a beard oil from Bossman themselves with matching scents.

I am looking forward to exploring more of the scents that Bossman sells, they have a four-scent pallette where Magic is just one of the available kinds. They also make a beard wash and beard oil, but I haven’t tested either yet.

King Manes Beard Balm, 2oz.

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The King Manes Balm comes in a different package than any of the other balms in this series. They deliver their product in a black tube with gold lettering. It’s made in the United States, and not tested on animals. The product is quite sensitive to room temperatures, so in the winter it’s really quite tricky to use, but in the summer it is very easy to use. The key in the winter is to massage the container until you warm it up so it will flow properly when you squeeze.

The product itself at first was a bit of a challenge to dispense as I bought it in the wintertime. After reading a lot of reviews on Amazon, I discovered many of the oddities about this product could be seen as features or remarkable qualities. Getting the right amount is the most significant learning curve, as you don’t scrape it out of a tin with your thumbnail. Instead, I’ve started to squeeze it onto my thumbnail for measurement sakes and then work it from there. The product is not waxy, it is more of a thick gel with small gritty beads. As it turns out, the beads are actually wax spheres that come solidified in the product and melt when you warm it up in your hands. The warming part is done when you don’t feel any more grit in the product as the wax has all melted. The scent is a mild mint and is quite pleasant, very light, and after about an hour, you don’t even notice it any longer. There isn’t anything more remarkable to mention about this balm, beyond any of the others other than the little wax spheres lend a kind of “readiness” factor to when it is right to work it into one’s beard.

The plastic tube is a novel packaging approach; however, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to extract all the product by squeezing. I also am concerned that this creates more plastic waste than the aluminum tins do. I assume the tins are more recyclable than the plastic tubes. The most significant factor for King Manes is room temperature and patience. You can’t just use this on the go, you need a few minutes with it, especially in the winter when the room temperature is lower than the products melt point. While I am impressed by the quality of the product, the packaging feels more wasteful, and so I probably won’t be refilling this particular balm once it runs out.

Beardoholic Beard Balm, 2oz.

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The Beardoholic products all have one central tragic failure, their packaging. The balm itself is a good product, it is yellow in color, and has middle of the road consistency and viscosity. The ingredients are what you would expect, however, the beeswax is the last ingredient which likely explains the natural variation in the texture between all the balms. For Reuzel, it’s the second ingredient, and so it’s a stiffer balm. This product also features an expiration date of about four years from production, something you don’t see in other products.

The scent is described on the packaging as “Sweet Orange,” and the smell is precisely so. The citrus notes are very light and refreshing. The orange isn’t bracing, cutting, or belting but more subtle. Everything about Beardoholic is a pleasure to use, except for the packaging. The first product I bought of theirs was their unscented Beard Oil, and that product came with a crumpled cap on the bottle. This product likewise came from distribution with the tin lid crushed. The packaging is thin enough where you can apply some pressure with your thumb and reform the metal cap at least on the balm. The price of this product is one of the most expensive too, at roughly $20 for 2 ounces. That puts this product at the top of the range, and while the product itself is good, for double the price of the Viking Revolution balms, I would expect more than this. I will continue to enjoy using the Beardoholic balm that I have, but considering the price, I will likely not be a regular consumer.

Viking Revolution Beard Balm, 2oz.

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The last review for the Viking Revolution Sandalwood has almost the same nature as this balm. The packaging is a stout aluminum canister, much like all the others. It resists warping and crushing so the packaging is one of the more reliable in all the balms I have. There are labels on the front and back, and this balm is made in China, like the previously reviewed Sandalwood one. The consistency is identical to the main body of balms as well, waxy at room temperature, not as loose as the Amish, not as hard as the Reuzel. The price point for all the Viking Revolution balms are the same, about $10 for two ounces.

The scent for this balm carries very light citrus and orange note. It’s as faint as the Sandalwood scent is strong. All the Viking Revolution products are cruelty-free, not tested on animals. That is one of the most respectable and consistent features across the entire spectrum of beard care products and something I appreciate. I would consider this balm to be a standby, much like the Sandalwood one, and shares the third place in my rankings of favorite balms.

Viking Revolution Sandalwood Beard Balm 2 oz.

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Nearly all of the balms and oils I have reviewed so far have all been made either in Canada or the USA. The Viking Revolution products were all made in China. I wasn’t expecting one of my absolute favorites to be an outlier. The tin is made of aluminum, with labeling on the front and the back. The consistency is similar to the main body of the products I use, not as stiff as the Reuzel and not as loose as the Honest Amish, but right in the middle. It is the consistency of wax more than paste.

The first thing I noticed about this particular item was the scent. It’s intoxicating! The Sandalwood is warm, spicy, and very strong. The smell doesn’t last quite as long as I was expecting, maybe at most an hour. Each of these balms took a little bit to get used to, but this particular one is my #2 favorite right behind the original Reuzel Balm. The Viking Revolution Sandalwood Balm has also been one of only a few that elicited direct compliments as people wanted to know what fragrance I was using. I don’t know if other balms are equally as, but the Sandalwood has definitely left a positive impression on others when I use it.

The price-point for the Sandalwood Balm is about $10 for 2 ounces, so they definitely are the masters of the best bang for your buck right along with Honest Amish.

Rocky Mountain Barber Company’s Unscented Beard Oil, 1 oz.

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The Rocky Mountain Barber Company also has variously scented and unscented beard oils. I selected the unscented beard oil because of my positive experiences with their balms and that they had the packaging, the rubber dropper, that made sense. This is genuinely unscented, there is almost no scent to this product whatsoever. The bottle is a Brown Glass Boston Bottle and should be what the Beardoholic folks switch to for product packaging.

This is an excellent beard oil, and I use it when I want the benefits of the oil without a strong scent that would otherwise clash with either my fragrance choice or my balm choice. The Honest Amish Beard Oil goes well with some of the warmer more woodsy scented balms whereas this one, the Rocky Mountain Unscented works well with the citrus or soapy scented balms. While I love exploring the scents in these products, having a good option that is totally unscented will always be in my beard-care kit.

Rocky Mountain Barber Company’s Cedarwood Beard Balm, 2 oz.

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The Rocky Mountain products hail from Niagara Falls, Ontario. They are the only ones that aren’t made in the USA. The tin is a standard aluminum one, with two ounces of the product inside. Labels on the front and rear with the full product description. The balm is wax-based and about the same viscosity as the Reuzel Balm.

The scent is piney, intense notes of cedar and citrus and is quite sharp. This balm is my third favorite of all of the balms, and it did not suffer the same glitch that the Reuzel appeared to have from the factory, the wax was glossy to start with. It was this balm that after I applied it the first time gave me a little bit of a tingle as it was brushed through my beard. The tingle was brief and was not unpleasant, but it was remarkable in that it is the only product that tingles after application. Perhaps there is an ingredient that is acidic or astringent, I don’t know.

This was also the first departure from USA products, and the Canadians make a product to be proud of. Everything I have purchased so far all clearly states that none of it is tested on animals. I couldn’t endure the thought of a rabbit covered in the product and examined. I would instead test it myself and deal with whatever consequences come from the trial. The label, “Not tested on animals” is one of those marks that are deal-breakers for me, if the mark isn’t there, I won’t buy it.