Tonight was like any other night. Scott wanted to use a gift certificate to one of our more preferred local restaurants and while we were headed there and while we were parked Scott tried to help his father, who is recovering from the side-effects of chemotherapy with a laptop problem.
It’s important to set the scene. Scott’s father, Dan, purchased a new laptop with Windows 7 and paid a batch of money to Best Buy to get it prepared properly so when he was down-and-out he could still do things online. That’s important because Best Buy is equally to blame here.
The laptop refused to progress beyond a prompt from Norton Antivirus (from Symantec) to allow a login unless Dan renewed his subscription to the Symantec service. This is where the inherent bullshit of subscription software service really bites. Because he was unwilling to pay for the subscription service, it pretty much bricked his laptop.
Enter Scott, trying with my help to give him instructions on how to rip out Norton Antivirus, we got that accomplished and then upon a reboot the system demanded to know what Dan’s LiveID was. He doesn’t have one. He’s never had one. He’s not using the LiveID bullshit from Microsoft, but there is the prompt. Thanks a whole fucking lot Microsoft. Did it not occur to you that your customers may not want to eat from your shit-trough? Anyways, once we got past that, a new problem cropped up. The laptop, which from when I saw it last (when we went to visit) was connected properly to wireless internet (wifi in the house, plain-jane, no WEP or WPA or WPA2) but now the wireless network adapter was disabled. FUCKING DISABLED.
While trying to shepherd Dan through Windows 7′s Vista-Like “Task Oriented Control Panel” bullshit the phone I was using, Scott’s iPhone, which had a piddling charge anyways and was connected up to a battery-backup with it’s own piddling charge I was sitting in my car, in the parking lot of the restaurant, stuck in a mental environment I regard as hellish trying lamely to shepherd my client through Windows 7 bullshit when, thanks to the medication left him only partially well enough to scrabble at the rockface that is Windows 7′s bullshit settings.. Scott’s phone died, along with the battery backup.
After several stabs at Control Panel, which was fruitless, and a retarded trip through the Network Troubleshooter (“Windows can’t determine whats wrong…” ) eventually mired in Device Manager when the phone gave up the ghost and the call was lost. I grabbed my Blackberry, which of course was being a slug – I was stabbing at the profile button to silence it from beeping and vibrating and nothing for 3 minutes. I was trying to make a call, nothing, mash mash mash. The fucking useless browser on the piece of shit device is utterly worthless. I replaced it with another browser, called BOLT, which trades slow-as-slugs-fucking for “maybe it’ll work” which is a far cry better than the utterly borked native browser. Of course, when you run more than 3 things at once the Blackberry moves better if you throw it in the LaBrea Tar Pits and wait for some alien archaeologist to dig it up and observe it’s results. I lost my patience. I could not lose my marbles towards my client, Scott’s Dad, who was just trying to get online after I told him he could and after Best Buy sold him “Yes you can” but this cumulonimbus of rage just couldn’t evaporate on it’s own. Even savaging my Blackberry (on the “Sprint Now Network” no fuckers, don’t you dare call it Sprint. Call it what it is, slower-than-slugs-fucking) didn’t really take care of it – I pulled my seatbelt on and the accident-sensor tripped because I was too rough and it took me 5 minutes to pull-stop-pull-coax-stop-pull the fucking thing out so I wasn’t breaking the law and driving without a seatbelt. The rest of my rage was sent to my verbal cortex where my vocabulary shrank to 4 letter words and came out in a rush. Key phrases like “Fucking piece of shit Microsoft, assholes I hope you fucking burn in hell you cocksucking whores, filthy nasty pigfuckers, swallow your tounges after vomiting up your mothers brains you zombie shit-for-brains…. so on and so forth…
I got to my office, which was just up the hill about a mile away and started my Mac, then started VirtualBox, started a copy of Windows 7 in VirtualBox and got to where I had lead Dan before the phone went kaput. I looked on my Blackberry and all I had was Scott’s folks home number, which was busy. I had to plug Scott’s iPhone into my Mac and wait 7 minutes for the battery to soak up enough charge so that the device would even turn on, then started calling other numbers trying to reconnect. The whole time cursing Microsoft and being embarrassed that I had given that laptop a passing mark when it was batch-full-of-shit. Eventually they called me back on my Blackberry (at this point I had removed the battery for a second time, as an expression of my rage…) and they told me that one of Dan’s coworkers who was in his companies local IT department would tend to the problem in person. After this Scott and I felt good enough to try to pull off dinner again, and back we went.
The whole time I’m struggling with providing Windows 7 support over the phone all I can think of is “This wouldn’t have even been possible, this fuckup, on a Macintosh Computer.” There wouldn’t have been any bullshit subscription software, there would have been a drop-dead simple way to get to the network stack and make sure that wireless was enabled – it would have been a cakewalk, even over the phone. That entire structure was MOCKING me while I was futilely trying to struggle away with Windows 7 and it’s impossible to access network stack. Hidden behind curtains and “helpful bullshit” put there by Microsoft to prevent curious end-users from making a mess of things by changing settings they don’t understand and FUCKING obfuscating it so hard that when someone who does understand is completely lost because you are trying to render technical support to someone who is partially disabled. On a Mac, this sort of disability WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN A PROBLEM. If it was a Mac, THERE WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN A PROBLEM TO FIX.
So of course, I had some residual rage floating around and I cannot contain it. I accessed twitter and ‘released the hounds’.
I don’t fucking care what you think of Microsoft, or Symantec, or Best Buy. If you apologize for them, if you try to cut slack and cut corners with human shit like that then I don’t want to hear it. These companies make FUCKING SHIT and everyone knows it. You are all fucking chained to this shit and in a retarded bid to avoid the appalling absurdity of it all, the minimally-acceptable level of rat feces in your Operating System, keep it to yourself. Keep your “I’m a PC” fuck-tardedness to yourself. I am not a PC. I am a HUMAN FUCKING BEING and I expect a tool to be LOGICAL and RATIONAL and SIMPLE. I know a computer can be this way. That’s what a Macintosh is ALL ABOUT. This fanboy’ness I have regarding Apple MEANS SOMETHING. They get praise heaped on them in metric tons because THEY DESERVE IT. They make computers that HUMAN BEINGS can use. They don’t make shit. Microsoft makes shit. Microsoft makes EPIC HEINOUS FLAMING SHIT. Giant bubbling loads of steaming feces, elephantine and flying through the air as if propelled by a hurricane. You filthy retarded assholes who get load after load of this Microsoft BULLSHIT and after horking down each steaming pile of dung YOU FUCKING ASK FOR MORE! This is HORRIBLE. This is a MISTAKE. Yes, Microsoft has market dominance, but that’s because the Kool-Aid Drinkers are all just chugging down massive quanities of Microsoft piss. They’ve sold their souls to something darker than Satan and now to not appear to be absolute morons and incapable of understanding the rank and unbelievable absurdity in their lives THEY FUCKING DEFEND MICROSOFT!!! I will not have it! Microsoft is ABOMINATION. Microsoft is a MISTAKE. It is the worst thing imaginable, Human Folly and Inexplicable Loyalty wrapped up together. Microsoft is a diseased whore fingering herself with shit-packed fingernails!
What to do? Don’t BUY THAT SHIT ANY MORE! Buy a Macintosh. Swallow your fucking whining about price and fucking buy it. You will never look back. You will never yearn for the way things were. You will never pine for what was lost. You will rejoice. You will pay and you will see the value of what you paid immediately and you will not regret doing so! When you’ve used it for a while, you’ll actually be willing to pay for upgrades and smile doing so. You’ll grab your Macintosh and hug it tight. You’ll see it in the morning and know that there is something that you can depend on, something built RIGHT, something that works RIGHT. Something worth you spending almost all your lives with. Anything else is self-deception hand-fastened to self-destruction. Anything else is a waste of your life time. How much longer before you die? Don’t you want something that doesn’t make you want to commit suicide? I know I do. I did. I’m not a PC. I’m a Mac. I’ll always be a Mac. I live in a NO EPIC FAIL zone. It’s nice here.