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SmashBurger – Kalamazoo, MI

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Today, on August 11th, 2010 a new burger joint called SmashBurger opened on West Main Road in Kalamazoo, MI. Scott, Craig, and I decided to try them out for dinner, along with a fair amount of the rest of Kalamazoo, they were very very busy.

I had a Classic SmashBurger, Scott put together one of his own featuring sauteed mushrooms and onions and Craig had a Michigan Olive Burger. For sides, Scott had the classic french fries, and I had deep-fried Dill pickles.

We walked into a clean and orderly restaurant with a very compact and on-first-glance well designed approach and order area, we ordered our food, the total for Scott and my meal came to just under $20. Craig’s came out to just about $10. After we ordered we were given a number flag that went with our order and wandered away. The first failure hit then, we weren’t given cups that went along with our order and had to ask for them, this isn’t anything out of the ordinary as we have to do that for a few restaurants in the area. Once we had our cups, that’s when we ran into our first problem. The fountain service is to the far left and it is not at all obvious where the lids are kept. I walked up to the fountain depot and already the Low Ice alarm light was blinking. I put my 16oz cup under the Coke Zero spigot and tried it, the Coke Zero sprayed horizontally and covered my hand with mix and a big carbonated squeal. Only when I looked much closer did I discover that there was an “Out Of Order” label that was printed using black ink on a clear plastic label and attached to a dark piece of plastic just under the Coke Zero display. I got slightly vexed and switched to Diet Coke instead, which was just as well. With my hands covered in Coke Zero mix and what amounted to fizzy club soda I walked back to the bathrooms. What I expected was a standard restaurant bathroom setup, Men/Women, big enough for multiple users at once. SmashBurger’s bathrooms were single use rooms and there was a line of 4 men doing the pee-pee dance, I didn’t need to wash my hands THAT badly. As I walked to the bathrooms I was amazed at how much space was wasted in the long hallways to the bathroom area, whoever designed the layout to that restaurant did them a disservice.

Once I returned to the table we waited for our meals to be walked out to us. It quickly struck us that nobody was really paying any attention to the number-flag system for the orders and they were wandering around asking people what they ordered and seeing if it matched what they were carrying. Scott and I got our food first, then after a few minutes Craig got his order. I immediately had a problem with what I saw in my order, The Burger I ordered was delivered open-faced and the patty/cheese combo was wedged underneath the tureen that held my side-dish. When I moved the tureen I saw that some of the cheese was stuck to it and came away from the burger. So right from the start my food was smushed up against the outside of another serving dish and I had to fight down a little bit of irritation, it didn’t *have* to be that way. On to the burger itself, it had it’s own problems. The SmashBurger Burger that I received was assembled hastily and the burger began to immediately fragment as I started to manipulate it on the serving dish it came on, trying to pick it up. As I started to eat I noticed not a dripping of meat juices but a veritable raining / deluge of juices running out. SmashBurger cheats. They sear and sling, the meat doesn’t have time to dry out since it’s delivered in a heartbeat right off the grill. As I ate, I had to lean very far forward so the gushing juices could land in the serving dish and not against my shirt or in my lap. As I ate, the meat slid to one side and the vegetation slid to the other side. This was because the burger was sent out of the kitchen open-faced. The meat didn’t have time to melt the cheese and help the vegetation stay in place. As I ate it was mostly the hamburger first, and then at the end a bread-covered salad. Once I was done speed-eating the burger (since it was gushing juices so very much) I reorganized my dishes and tried the fried pickles.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a salt hound. I love salt, I can’t get enough of salt and I always season everything to my liking and it’s always proper. Even I, as a salt hound, found the fried pickles to be shockingly salty. The taste was SSSAAALLLTTT pickle dill.

After I finished my meal and my drink I got to thinking about how everything was organized in this restaurant. There are no “Meals” or “Baskets”, everything is a-la-carte, you get a dollar discount on the sides if you order a sandwich, but that’s it. I started polling the table for opinions and Scott was very displeased and Craig was shrugging along with the rest of us. What we got wasn’t $20 worth of food, at most it was $12 worth of food. SmashBurger is in direct competition with Culvers, and from what we saw tonight SmashBurger will not be able to compete with Culvers. I posed a question to the table, “If you had a half-tank of gas, as we do now, and you were driving from downtown, would you stop here and have dinner or would you drive on another 5 minutes and go down 9th Street to the Culvers by the I-94 interchange?” Everyone was in agreement that Culvers would be the preferred destination by far.

Earlier today we stopped at Culvers for lunch and I had a vastly superior burger and fries, Scott got a burger and chili-cheese fries and the total was $15.03 for the entire meal, with fountain drinks. Culvers superiority coupled with it’s relative inexpensiveness in comparison with SmashBurger is really damning.

On our way out of the restaurant we were effectively trapped and prevented in our leaving by a SmashBurger employee who took it upon themselves to begin spraying the glass door with Windex and wiping it down. There is only one door, and there we stood for about 30 seconds while we waited for the SmashBurger employee to conclude their needless glass cleaning task. It stunned me, that they elect to have someone wiping down the glass doors during the massively busy dinner crowd, just getting in the way, preventing people from entering or leaving. Since this was the ONLY DOOR in or out I did feel a slight shine of irritation that I couldn’t exit until they were done doing a needless task.

The manager of the establishment was wandering around like a lost puppy bumping into customers and tables, during the mad dinner press he was bounding from table to table, getting in the way. He asked how everything was and Scott and Craig were fine, I was busy chewing. By the time I was done he had bounded off to another table. What I had to say wouldn’t have made him feel very good anyways, so I kept my peace.

SmashBurger enjoyed an insanely busy opening day, the honeymoon period in it’s prime. After our experience we decided that we would give SmashBurger one more shot, and we’ll do so on September 11th, 2010 – one calendar month from now. Scott mentioned “If they are still open by then…”

Then once we were in the car, I asked everyone for their ranking scale and the score they gave SmashBurger Kalamazoo. Scott gave them 2/5. Craig gave them 2.5/5. My score is 1/5.

One thing that struck me was, SmashBurger’s grand opening could have been far more successful if they had tried a soft open a week earlier with invited guests. “Please come to our new Restaurant and have a meal on us, critical feedback is greatly appreciated” and that would have caught the lid problem, the label problem, and most likely the salt problem.

I don’t see SmashBurger being very successful, I see the competition walking away with their money. There are so many other better places to eat lunch or dinner with similar themes. Culvers, Red Robin, and even Sonic are better than SmashBurger. I can agree with Scott, if they are around in a month, I’ll be surprised.

The Hazards of Equality

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There is a problem with the world. Lack of Equality. In many places I see it, from thoughts raised by friends and coworkers mostly raising the topic of gay marriage is the classic entryway to begin a dialogue regarding equality, to outright questions about what I think about the entire issue.

I believe in human equality.

It’s not a country thing, it’s not a state thing, it’s a species thing. What makes me different from my female peers who earn less than I do because of their gender? What makes my relationship with my partner different than my straight peers relationships?  Why can they apply for a marriage contract while I cannot? Is it a matter of dedication and monogamy? Both my partner and I have been building a life for 13 years, we’ve outlasted many marriages just based on our togetherness. I think it’s a power thing.

Those who have power, or any of it’s analogues, such as rights, control, ability, or benefits obviously understand that being special, being gifted, having power is far better than being downtrodden and left without power, or even worse, having power taken away from you. Those that have power in our culture are determined to maintain their grip on such power for as long as they can. There is a central question that they cannot rationally answer – “What is it to you?” when posed with the concept of homosexual union. These people aren’t really interested in what is right or wrong, they are simply greedy for power. This greed blinds them and makes them hypocrites, and they earn my pity.

It is true that I cannot marry my partner of 13 years, at least here in Michigan and I accept that. There are a majority of people in my state who do not like all of me, just the part of me that works and pays taxes in a timely fashion. To offer someone like me equality requires that they relinquish some power. This is the core stumbling block to the progress of equality in our culture. Those that have power wish to retain it and deny others access. When you realize this, you stop feeling so put upon by others and discover that they are the simplest of monsters, greedy trolls collecting their tolls and regarding their squalor under the bridge as kingdoms of infinite space.

It then falls to other routes for my kind to tear power out of the hands of the greedy trolls. We approach the courts for a redress of grievances, citing phrases such as “All men are created equal” and “Equal protection under the law” and then the response is “Activist Judges”. We try popular appeal via referenda and end up in the same place by the opposition, wether it be lawsuits to stop us or Governors devoted to veto our rights each time they come up. This isn’t a war that will be won with one single decisive battle, this is guerilla attrition. We win by endurance.

Endurance. We outlive the elements in our culture, the trolls, that spend an inordinate time having serious problems with my kind and apparently have answers for “What is it to you?” when it comes to letting my kind marry. The solution is to simply outlive the pigheaded. The children of today will eventually grow up in a world more equal, and they’ll be more accepting. It won’t happen for about 20 years, it won’t really have any forward momentum until the Baby Boomers begin to die. When the young rush in to replace them in the voting booths, then we’ll see a reduction in bullshit and people shaking their heads when asked “What is it to you?”

This is all very well and good, but Equality just for homosexuals is one aspect of the larger societal problem. Real equality would help all the treaded-upon, not just the gays – but also gender inequality, race inequality, and even citizen’ly inequality. Women should earn the same as men, for example. It’s not just our group we should be fighting for, but for everyone who finds themselves on the short end of the stick when it comes to power.

Funny that the spirit of a lot of what we all seek is already in the founding texts of our great country. It’s just going to take some generational turnover before everyone gets to be equal.