Tag Archives: hell

Fitting Punishments

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Last night I couldn’t get the idea of punishing my Blackberry out of my mind. I was running over scenarios of destruction in my mind. How could I best bring my emotional needs to bear on this repugnant and abominable device? I thought of many things:

  • Taking the Blackberry out to the dock with our office sledgehammer and dashing it in a flurry of epithets and cussing. Screaming while I extracted a primal retribution for all the ways the device let me down and angered me.
  • Building a little bonfire and setting the piece of crap on fire. Watching it burn, drinking a very fine bottle of wine and when it’s all burned down to ash, putting it out manually.
  • Giving it a Viking Funeral, putting it on a little wooden boat and setting that on fire and pushing it off to float in a lake or pond.
  • Violent but paced deconstruction. Getting out my tools and pulling the device apart and unscrewing everything and when it’s in a neat pile, beating it with a hammer.

Then I thought about maybe having my assistant video me turning my Blackberry into a pile of slag in some of the less-personal-approaches to destroying it. Then as I laid there last night thinking about it, a part of me piped up about how if there was a video, first it would be hilarious, very Office Space of me, but it would also be rather incriminating as I would be technically destroying a workplace device.

As I continued to play scenarios through my head I started thinking about truly sadistic things I could do to this obnoxious horrible device and it hit me. It gives me a different non-destructive path to take that actually is more spiritually torturous. I have resolved to consign my Blackberry to a Velveteen Rabbit Hell. I will remove it’s battery and I will put it in a dirty disused cardboard box and I will lock it away in a locker nobody ever uses and I will forget all about it. It will stay in the box, inert, forgotten, and effectively gone from my life. Everyone wins. No video of me destroying it, no crime, nothing to upset anyone and I still get to punish it, long-term. When I do remember it I will relish its silent cardboard grave.

Get Lost

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Here is a comment I left on another blog, which sums up a lot of my opinion on Lost:

The entire show was an exposition on Purgatory. The entire airplane in the pilot episode crashed into the ocean killing everyone. The island was purgatory where each character could atone for their sins. Jack and his daddy issues, Kate and her daddy issues, Sawyer and his daddy issues. Desmond couldn’t finish anything so his punishment was a 108 minute torture, when he couldn’t finish that, he died again, but ended up back on the island – for another round of punishments. Everything else was either a red herring or the complicated psychodrama played out by souls looking for relief from guilt. Smoke Monster, Polarbear, Branded Shark… the Others, the Statue, Time Travel, the Dharma Initiative. A giant basket of red herrings. Purgatory is a dream, especially for the dead. Flashbacks, Flashforwards, and even the Flash-sideways were all a part of atonement, highlighting the regrets and guilts that plagued the entire airplane load of dead people. Each character got their own special version of hell to endure and we were ringside for all of it. In the end, they were all hoovered up by the most annoying ending possible for a six-year investment. “And they all died happily ever after.” At least there won’t be anything more of it, unless they hock up a movie about “Lost in Heaven”.